Ah, Valentine's Day, when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of panicking about making sure your girlfriend or wife is sufficiently sated with chocolate and sentiment to prove to an uncaring society that you have adequately expressed your love. Or something like that. I never read Tennyson.
If you really want to win over your lady-person in this the season of romance, I am told by many online dating articles and
slightly passive-aggressive Facebook image posts that you must treat her like a princess. There are even
illustrated eHow instructions on the subject! I read a few of these articles and instruction manuals, and I'm afraid to say that they're all pretty inaccurate. We've read a lot of fairy tales about princesses, and none of what these articles describe is how princesses get treated at all.
If you really want to live out a fairy tale romance with the love of your life, just follow the fairy tale guide to treating your girl like a princess:
Listen to Her Dreams; They Might Foretell Your Doom
Your girl might look adorable when she's sleeping, but if you could see inside her head while she's dreaming it's a whole different story. Your beautiful princess's dreams are prophetic about 90% of the time, so it's very important that you be sure to ask her about them regularly, and then interpret them carefully.
For example, if she dreams about you doing some sort of small nice favor for her, like holding a
golden ewer of water so she can wash her hands, it means with almost 100% accuracy that she is planning to take all your stuff and overthrow you from your job. And, if you really want to treat her like a princess, there's only one thing you can do: lavish your lady with the attention she deserves by punishing her dream with a banishment to the woods. Send one of your friends with her to murder her in cold blood.
Be sure to ask your friend to bring back a tongue and a heart to make sure the job was done right. Keeping up with receipts is a good habit to build!
Always Give Her Three Chances Not to Eat Her Newborn
Your princess might be the most beautiful and demure woman, but she's also a real human being with complicated emotions who sometimes inexplicably decides to just eat her newborn baby. When this happens, just remember that everyone has their bad days. DO NOT call her a "crazy bitch," ask her if she's on her period, ask her why she ate her newborn, give her any chance to explain, or suspect the shifty stepmother who hated your princess on sight. Also don't look too carefully at any bones that may or may not be in her bed.
A good man should always give his princess
two more tries to have a baby and not eat it before sentencing her to death by burning or to a
lifetime of carrying strangers to your door on her back, like a horse.
The one exception to this rule is if she gives birth to puppies. If she
explicitly promised you a specific type of child and delivers puppies instead, she gets no more chances and you have to bury her up to her neck in the yard immediately. If she didn't promise you any particular child traits, just forgive her immediately and hope no one changes your text to read "
burn her and the children alive."
Help Her Feel Beautiful By Burning Her Swamp Frog Clothes
If you ended up choosing your girlfriend through an arbitrary archery contest (or online dating profile- same thing, right?), you might be upset to discover that she spends nearly all her time
dressed up like some sort of swamp frog. Then one day, at a wedding or something, she surprises you by dressing up all gorgeous and you wish this could be the case all the time.
Well, if you really want to treat her like a princess, it can! Next time she's out of her swamp frog getup and enjoying herself at a fine party, sneak back home and burn the clothes in a fire. Don't bother asking for permission or making sure she's not under some weird magical contract with Koschei the Deathless first. As she sadly watches the flickering embers of her primary outfit, she'll feel just like a princess!
Walk a Mile in Her Shoes
It's important to the health of your relationship to see things from the perspective of your princess, so be sure to
bully her into giving up her position to you. Then you can be the princess and experience life as she has known it, and she can go herd geese or something.
On your next date out in the woods, pay close attention to your special lady. This is important, because you'll need to look out for the moment she drops a bloody handkerchief given to her by her mother. Once she does that, she's completely vulnerable. You can now order her to change clothes with you, which of course will transfer all the benefits and privileges of being a princess to you, exclusively.
Just make sure you kill her horse before it rats you out. Horses are major party poopers.
Gift Her to the First Stranger Who Does You a Favor
Perhaps the best way to treat your girl like a princess is to remember that she's merely a commodity that can be used as a grand prize to
give away to the first person to do you a big favor. Have a pest or ghost problem you need eradicated? Just post a notice on your community ad boards or Craigslist that you have a princess to
give to any man who can take care of your problem. Need to know what
she's doing behind closed doors? Promise her away to the first man who can figure it out.
Want a sweet new coat? You won't find a better trade! Your girl will never feel more like a princess than the moment when you announce that you've basically sold her in exchange for goods and/or services.
We hope that we've helped to clear up some of the confusion about just how exactly to treat the special lady in your life just like a princess. Good luck with your fairy tale romance! Let us know how it goes!
